Do you say yes when you mean no? Swallow your opinion to keep the peace, then feel resentful later? Or perhaps you swing the other way — bottling things up until they come out sharper than you intended? If so, assertiveness is a skill worth building, and the good news is that it genuinely can be learned.

This article explains what assertiveness really is (and is not), why so many of us find it difficult, and a set of practical techniques you can start using straight away. Being assertive is not about being loud, pushy or getting your own way. It is about communicating honestly and respectfully — valuing your own needs and the other person’s at the same time.

At Vitality Unleashed Psychology in Bundall on the Gold Coast, our Clinical Psychologists help people find their voice and set healthier boundaries, in person and via telehealth Australia-wide.

What assertiveness actually means

Assertiveness sits between two less helpful styles of communicating: passivity and aggression.

Assertiveness is the balanced middle ground. It says, in effect: my needs matter, and so do yours, and I can express mine without attacking you.

Why assertiveness can feel so hard

If being assertive were easy, everyone would do it. For many people it feels genuinely uncomfortable — even frightening — and there are usually good reasons why.

Often the roots go back a long way. If you grew up in a home where speaking up wasn’t safe, where conflict was frightening, or where you learned that keeping others happy was the way to stay connected, then holding back becomes a deeply wired habit. In Schema Therapy terms, patterns such as self-sacrifice, subjugation or a fear of abandonment can make asserting yourself feel dangerous rather than reasonable.

There are common fears underneath the difficulty:

None of these make you weak. They are understandable responses to what you have learned. And, importantly, they can shift with practice. Assertiveness and self-worth tend to grow together — as you can read in our article on ego versus genuine self-esteem.

Practical techniques for becoming more assertive

Assertiveness is a set of skills, and like any skill it improves with practice. Here are techniques you can start using today.

1. Use “I” statements

Instead of “You never listen to me” (which invites defensiveness), try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted, and I’d like to finish my point.” “I” statements express how you feel and what you need without blaming, which makes it far easier for the other person to hear you.

2. Keep it simple and clear

You do not need to over-explain or justify yourself at length. A clear, calm sentence is more assertive than a long, apologetic ramble. “I’m not able to take that on this week” is complete on its own.

3. Learn to say no without a paragraph of guilt

No is a full sentence. You can be warm and still firm: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that.” You are allowed to decline without providing a detailed excuse or offering to make up for it.

4. Try the “broken record” technique

When someone keeps pushing, calmly repeat your position rather than being drawn into a debate: “I understand, and I’m still not able to.” Repetition, delivered kindly, protects your boundary without escalation.

5. Buy yourself time

You do not have to answer on the spot. “Let me think about that and get back to you” is a perfectly assertive response that stops you agreeing to things reflexively and then regretting it.

6. Mind your body language

Assertiveness is delivered as much through the body as the words. A steady voice, relaxed posture, comfortable eye contact and unhurried pace all communicate calm confidence — and help you feel it too.

7. Start small

You do not have to begin with the hardest conversation of your life. Practise on low-stakes situations first — sending back a wrong coffee order, expressing a small preference — and build from there. Each small success makes the next one easier.

8. Expect discomfort, and let it be there

The first few times you assert yourself, you will probably feel guilty or anxious. That does not mean you have done something wrong — it means you are doing something unfamiliar. The discomfort fades as the new pattern becomes normal.

Struggling to speak up or say no? These skills can be learned with the right support. Book Online (opens in a new window) · Submit an enquiry

Simple scripts to get you started

Sometimes the hardest part is finding the words in the moment. Having a few ready-made phrases can make speaking up far less daunting. Adapt these to sound like you:

Notice that none of these are harsh or dramatic. Assertiveness is usually quiet, clear and calm. The more you rehearse phrases like these, the more naturally they arrive when you actually need them.

Assertiveness and your relationships

One worry many people have is that becoming more assertive will damage their relationships. In practice, the opposite is usually true. Passive communication breeds hidden resentment; aggressive communication breeds conflict. Assertiveness, delivered with respect, tends to build trust — because people know where they stand with you and can rely on your yes actually meaning yes.

It can help to remember that other people are allowed to have their own reactions. Someone may be disappointed when you set a boundary, and that is okay; their disappointment is not proof that you did something wrong. Healthy relationships can hold honest differences. If certain relationships only work while you stay silent and accommodating, that is useful information in itself.

How Vitality Unleashed can help

For some people, a few techniques are enough. For others, the difficulty with assertiveness runs deeper — tied to long-standing beliefs about their worth, old fears of conflict or rejection, or patterns learned in childhood. This is where working with a psychologist can make a real difference.

At Vitality Unleashed Psychology, our AHPRA-registered Clinical Psychologists provide evidence-based individual therapy that helps you build assertiveness from the inside out. Using approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Schema Therapy, we help you understand what makes speaking up feel unsafe, challenge the guilt and fear underneath, and practise new ways of communicating in a supportive space. Because assertiveness and self-esteem are so closely linked, this work often strengthens both.

We see clients in person at our Bundall rooms on the Gold Coast and offer telehealth consultations Australia-wide. Private fees apply, and eligible clients with a GP Mental Health Care Plan may access Medicare rebates — see our psychology fees page. Please note we do not bulk bill.

Your needs matter, and you’re allowed to express them. Support is available in Bundall and via telehealth Australia-wide. Book Online (opens in a new window) · Submit an enquiry

Frequently asked questions

Is assertiveness the same as being aggressive?

No. Aggression pushes your needs at other people’s expense, often through blame or dominance. Assertiveness expresses your needs clearly while still respecting the other person. The difference lies in respect: assertiveness values both people, aggression values only one.

Why do I feel guilty when I set boundaries?

Guilt when asserting yourself is very common, especially if you learned early that keeping others happy was your job. The guilt does not mean you have done something wrong — it is simply a sign that you are doing something unfamiliar. It usually eases with practice.

Can assertiveness really be learned?

Yes. Assertiveness is a set of skills, not a fixed personality trait. With practice — and, where the difficulty runs deep, with support from a psychologist — most people can become considerably more assertive and comfortable expressing their needs.

Will being more assertive hurt my relationships?

Usually it strengthens them. Assertiveness builds trust because people know where they stand with you. Relationships that can only continue while you stay silent are worth looking at, but respectful honesty tends to deepen connection rather than damage it.

Helpful Australian resources

This article is general information only and is not a substitute for personalised advice from a qualified health professional. If you’re struggling, please reach out to your GP, a psychologist, or a support service. If you need to talk to someone now, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. In an emergency, call 000.